I am trying.
That is all I can say when someone asks me how I'm doing. I have had such a difficult time with divorcing my husband. And I know that sounds like a "Duh" point, but this has been really hard. Everything thing I do is not good enough for him. I understand that. In his twisted, screwed up view of love, he genuinely loves Jackson and wants to be with him. And loving my sweet boy is definitely something I can understand. Who doesnt love him? But when I try to give my husband...say....Thanksgiving...with Jackson, does he take it and treasure every second of what I'm offering? NO! He has to try to demand more and more from me. Its true that I have not been as generous with parenting time as humanly possible. Because the most time I can give him is all of it. That would be the most generous thing I could do. So no. I'm not being generous. But I AM trying to give my husband the time that he is legally entitled to. And that is probably the hardest thing for me.
I want so badly to be selfish. If the world was to suddenly become perfect as of this moment, my husband would leave and never bother me ever again. I want to hide and protect my self and my son from the monster of a man that I knew in marriage and the even bigger monster of a husband that I have dealt with since leaving him....But Jackson is so much more important than that.
I have prayed daily for the knowledge of what I am supposed to do in order to help my husband calm down and accept our divorce. I have prayed to understand why he is so angry at me and why he is using Jackson as a way to inflict pain on me. I have prayed that I can keep going. That I can make it through just one weekend more, and just one weekend more, until I dont cry in fear and pain over having to leave my baby in his incapable hands. I have prayed that even if my husband becomes a man and stays in Jackson's life for eternity, that Jackson will be able to accept and understand why his birth parents are no longer together and to still be able to have strong bonds to the people in his life. I pray that even though my husband has not taken Jackson to church every weekend, that Jackson will be able to know and love the gospel with every part of his soul. But mostly I pray that we can be happy. Eternally Happy. Because even though this life may bring me to the lowest point, I know that as long as I endure to the end and just keep taking it day by day, that someday I will look back on my life and see the glory and the goodness in it. Even though I am lost in this trial and may never leave it till the day I die, I will not wander from the Rod of Iron that will lead me home to my Heavenly Father.
This video gives perfect voice to the heartache of my trials.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Back to Jax: 14 Months
Well, Jackson has 2 molars! It is such a blessing in my life to watch him growing and learning new things every day. The daycare he is in does such a good job with teaching him a ton of things. He knows how to say hi, baby, uh-oh, ball, dog, mommy, daddy, diaper, squirrel, and I'm sure there are more that I just cant think of right now. He can imitate dogs barking and panting, car noises, and he loves to fake sneeze. He is starting to walk on his own, but for right now his favorite mode of transportation is "walking" on his knees. He knows sign language for "more" and can understand when I ask him if he wants basic things like a drink, or a diaper change, or a nap and can actually vocalize his consent with either a grunt or giggle for whatever he wants. I just watch him play and can see him learning right in front of me and it is the most magical thing on the planet. I am so lucky to be a mom and to have such an amazing snuggle bug as my baby.
If I didnt have him I would probably be divorced already and still have a protective order against my husband and not need to worry about ever seeing my husband ever again. But for some weird reason he makes it all worth it. I need to confess that I dont really like kids. I mean, I love to smile and wave at them in church, and make faces and play with them. And babies are the most snuggly adorable creatures on the planet. But I dont really like to be around kids all day long because my brain just cannot handle the stress of trying to take care of another human being for that long. And I was kind of worried about it when I was first pregnant...but now that I know how much I love my sweet angel baby, I could definitely have about a billion more and be totally happy because of how full my heart is with my son. Everything in the world can go wrong and I can have all of the stress, and all of the trials, and all of the pain on the planet, but as long as I get to spend time with my son, I know that my life is good and that my heart can be at peace because of how much I love that little boy. And that sounds crazy....but it's true. Wonderfully true....
So for Halloween we were going to just go to the playgroup activity that my ward put on which would have been a lot of fun. But on Monday evening my husband refused to give Jackson back to me and illegally kept him from me for another night. I spent the whole night crying and so drained that when I wasnt crying I was just staring into thin air and feeling so numb I could barely breath. I love my sweet boy so much and I was a wreck without him. Everything I do, I do for him.
It would have been nice to have something to do that was for Halloween without having to worry about Jackson being too cold or not getting enough sleep at night. I realize that now that I'm a single mom all of my activities that I participate in have to follow a certain code of what wont interfere with Jackson's schedule or comfort level. If I cant make sure that everything with be perfect for Jax during the activity, then I either have grandma and grandpa babysit so that I can have a well deserved night out, or I dont participate. I have to be careful though because a lot of the time I decide to just not participate, especially after this past weekend where my husband kept him from me, and then I get stuck in a rut of not taking care of myself which isnt good for anyone. So the occasional night without Jackson, even though I beat myself up about not being with him EVERY TIME, is still important. And I force myself to do it and have a good time, so that he can benefit from a recharged and relaxed mom. Instead of a mom who has been driven crazy by the amount of diapers and stress and slobber she is drowning in.
If I didnt have him I would probably be divorced already and still have a protective order against my husband and not need to worry about ever seeing my husband ever again. But for some weird reason he makes it all worth it. I need to confess that I dont really like kids. I mean, I love to smile and wave at them in church, and make faces and play with them. And babies are the most snuggly adorable creatures on the planet. But I dont really like to be around kids all day long because my brain just cannot handle the stress of trying to take care of another human being for that long. And I was kind of worried about it when I was first pregnant...but now that I know how much I love my sweet angel baby, I could definitely have about a billion more and be totally happy because of how full my heart is with my son. Everything in the world can go wrong and I can have all of the stress, and all of the trials, and all of the pain on the planet, but as long as I get to spend time with my son, I know that my life is good and that my heart can be at peace because of how much I love that little boy. And that sounds crazy....but it's true. Wonderfully true....
So for Halloween we were going to just go to the playgroup activity that my ward put on which would have been a lot of fun. But on Monday evening my husband refused to give Jackson back to me and illegally kept him from me for another night. I spent the whole night crying and so drained that when I wasnt crying I was just staring into thin air and feeling so numb I could barely breath. I love my sweet boy so much and I was a wreck without him. Everything I do, I do for him.
It would have been nice to have something to do that was for Halloween without having to worry about Jackson being too cold or not getting enough sleep at night. I realize that now that I'm a single mom all of my activities that I participate in have to follow a certain code of what wont interfere with Jackson's schedule or comfort level. If I cant make sure that everything with be perfect for Jax during the activity, then I either have grandma and grandpa babysit so that I can have a well deserved night out, or I dont participate. I have to be careful though because a lot of the time I decide to just not participate, especially after this past weekend where my husband kept him from me, and then I get stuck in a rut of not taking care of myself which isnt good for anyone. So the occasional night without Jackson, even though I beat myself up about not being with him EVERY TIME, is still important. And I force myself to do it and have a good time, so that he can benefit from a recharged and relaxed mom. Instead of a mom who has been driven crazy by the amount of diapers and stress and slobber she is drowning in.
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