Divorce

This process is really difficult. I am constantly stressed and worried for Jackson's and my safety. I never fully relax because every time I feel close to truly relaxing and forgetting about the nightmare that is my life right now, someone brings up my situation, or talks about my husband, or I have to take another step with my lawyer toward divorce and I'm instantly back to a stressed mess. My castle in Heaven better be huge for all of the trouble I'm enduring.
I've prayed over and over again telling Heavenly Father that I am turning all of my stress and worry to him because I am not strong enough to carry this weight around on me all of the time. I love being happy. I love to laugh and have fun and be silly all of the time. I cant function to be best of my ability when I'm sad or stressed. And that's how I've been nonstop ever since leaving my husband. Some may read that and think, "well, if you are so sad away from your husband, then why did you leave him?" But I have been blessed to not miss him even for a second. The things that I miss are my own space. I miss living close to school so I dont have to drive as much every morning. I miss being able to watch tv snuggled up to a man. I miss what marriage is supposed to be like. I miss the hope that I had that my marriage could be as good as my parent's marriage if I would just work harder at it, or hold on for just a little bit longer. I do not miss worrying if my husband would pick tonight to start a fight. I do not miss wondering if Jackson would be safe all day with him while I was at school. My stress and my worry comes from divorcing my husband, but never being able to really get him out of my life. I pray every day that when this divorce is finalized and it's been a few months of having parenting time, that Joal will just give up and become bored with being a good father and just move away and pretend that he has never been married.
I dont know when this is going to happen, but I have a feeling it is going to happen eventually because when we were married he basically checked out of being a father after the first few weeks of having Jackson home. His attitude on everything in our marriage was that he was excited and committed for the first few  days or weeks or months and then it would fade and he just stopped. Because this is a permanent ending to our marriage and his whole way of life, I think that his enthusiasm and fake fatherly love will last as long as he can take it, but that it will end and he'll see our divorce as a way to fully wash his hands of the child he didnt even want, and the wife who wouldnt obey him.
Most of the time, I look forward to when this happens so that I'll be able to relax again and just keep Jackson safe without stress and worry. But then I think about how Jackson will grow up not knowing who his biological father is and he will wonder and have moments of confusion about why he doesnt have a family like everyone else.
My sister asked me if I was ever going to get married again. I have thought and prayed about this so much since leaving my husband. Every time I think about dating again, I worry. I worry about knowing if he is going to turn out like my ex husband. I worry about dating and having a kid. I worry about making sure every member of my family can put him through the ringer trying to make sure he is never going to hurt me. I worry about when will be the right time. I worry about whether or not I'll ever really be ready. Right now, I'm ready to flirt and have fun, but I'm not even officially divorced yet. Right now, when I think about having a serious relationship with someone I want to run and hide. But maybe my feelings will change once I'm actually divorced and dont have to deal with my husband every few days. But then I worry about how I'm going to meet the right person. Do I go to the single's ward of my church again? Do I go to activities for single adults in my church? Do I just live my life as a single mother and let Heavenly Father figure out how to put someone in my life? There are so many questions and worries and stresses that I have and I just want them all answered right now so that I can move on and live life just knowing when things are going to happen so I dont have to worry about them until the actual time comes around. But since we all know that's not how Heavenly Father works, I guess I'll have to cool my jets.
A lot of people have asked me if it's wise to put all of my crazy, sad, scary life on my blog. I dont mean to call any of you out, because I really do appreciate that you are looking out for me. And you all are probably right that I should have waited until my divorce was actually final. But I guess I just didnt want to remain silent about my experiences. I didnt want my abuse to stay a dark secret of my past. My experiences are a part of me and someday, when I try to have a healthy relationship with someone, I dont want my nightmare of a past to be a secret that needs to be shared last minute. I want my past to be open and no longer a scary thing, just a thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I dont want to give my abuse any more power over me or my life. Like I said before, I love being happy and laughing and being silly all of the time. I dont want to live with a shadow over my head forever.