Not All Who Are Lost Have Wandered

I am trying.

That is all I can say when someone asks me how I'm doing. I have had such a difficult time with divorcing my husband. And I know that sounds like a "Duh" point, but this has been really hard. Everything thing I do is not good enough for him. I understand that. In his twisted, screwed up view of love, he genuinely loves Jackson and wants to be with him. And loving my sweet boy is definitely something I can understand. Who doesnt love him? But when I try to give my husband...say....Thanksgiving...with Jackson, does he take it and treasure every second of what I'm offering? NO! He has to try to demand more and more from me. Its true that I have not been as generous with parenting time as humanly possible. Because the most time I can give him is all of it. That would be the most generous thing I could do. So no. I'm not being generous. But I AM trying to give my husband the time that he is legally entitled to. And that is probably the hardest thing for me.
I want so badly to be selfish. If the world was to suddenly become perfect as of this moment, my husband would leave and never bother me ever again. I want to hide and protect my self and my son from the monster of a man that I knew in marriage and the even bigger monster of a husband that I have dealt with since leaving him....But Jackson is so much more important than that.
I have prayed daily for the knowledge of what I am supposed to do in order to help my husband calm down and accept our divorce. I have prayed to understand why he is so angry at me and why he is using Jackson as a way to inflict pain on me. I have prayed that I can keep going. That I can make it through just one weekend more, and just one weekend more, until I dont cry in fear and pain over having to leave my baby in his incapable hands. I have prayed that even if my husband becomes a man and stays in Jackson's life for eternity, that Jackson will be able to accept and understand why his birth parents are no longer together and to still be able to have strong bonds to the people in his life. I pray that even though my husband has not taken Jackson to church every weekend, that Jackson will be able to know and love the gospel with every part of his soul. But mostly I pray that we can be happy. Eternally Happy. Because even though this life may bring me to the lowest point, I know that as long as I endure to the end and just keep taking it day by day, that someday I will look back on my life and see the glory and the goodness in it. Even though I am lost in this trial and may never leave it till the day I die, I will not wander from the Rod of Iron that will lead me home to my Heavenly Father.

This video gives perfect voice to the heartache of my trials.