Not All Who Are Lost Have Wandered

I am trying.

That is all I can say when someone asks me how I'm doing. I have had such a difficult time with divorcing my husband. And I know that sounds like a "Duh" point, but this has been really hard. Everything thing I do is not good enough for him. I understand that. In his twisted, screwed up view of love, he genuinely loves Jackson and wants to be with him. And loving my sweet boy is definitely something I can understand. Who doesnt love him? But when I try to give my husband...say....Thanksgiving...with Jackson, does he take it and treasure every second of what I'm offering? NO! He has to try to demand more and more from me. Its true that I have not been as generous with parenting time as humanly possible. Because the most time I can give him is all of it. That would be the most generous thing I could do. So no. I'm not being generous. But I AM trying to give my husband the time that he is legally entitled to. And that is probably the hardest thing for me.
I want so badly to be selfish. If the world was to suddenly become perfect as of this moment, my husband would leave and never bother me ever again. I want to hide and protect my self and my son from the monster of a man that I knew in marriage and the even bigger monster of a husband that I have dealt with since leaving him....But Jackson is so much more important than that.
I have prayed daily for the knowledge of what I am supposed to do in order to help my husband calm down and accept our divorce. I have prayed to understand why he is so angry at me and why he is using Jackson as a way to inflict pain on me. I have prayed that I can keep going. That I can make it through just one weekend more, and just one weekend more, until I dont cry in fear and pain over having to leave my baby in his incapable hands. I have prayed that even if my husband becomes a man and stays in Jackson's life for eternity, that Jackson will be able to accept and understand why his birth parents are no longer together and to still be able to have strong bonds to the people in his life. I pray that even though my husband has not taken Jackson to church every weekend, that Jackson will be able to know and love the gospel with every part of his soul. But mostly I pray that we can be happy. Eternally Happy. Because even though this life may bring me to the lowest point, I know that as long as I endure to the end and just keep taking it day by day, that someday I will look back on my life and see the glory and the goodness in it. Even though I am lost in this trial and may never leave it till the day I die, I will not wander from the Rod of Iron that will lead me home to my Heavenly Father.

This video gives perfect voice to the heartache of my trials.

Back to Jax: 14 Months

Well, Jackson has 2 molars! It is such a blessing in my life to watch him growing and learning new things every day. The daycare he is in does such a good job with teaching him a ton of things. He knows how to say hi, baby, uh-oh, ball, dog, mommy, daddy, diaper, squirrel, and I'm sure there are more that I just cant think of right now. He can imitate dogs barking and panting, car noises, and he loves to fake sneeze. He is starting to walk on his own, but for right now his favorite mode of transportation is "walking" on his knees. He knows sign language for "more" and can understand when I ask him if he wants basic things like a drink, or a diaper change, or a nap and can actually vocalize his consent with either a grunt or giggle for whatever he wants. I just watch him play and can see him learning right in front of me and it is the most magical thing on the planet. I am so lucky to be a mom and to have such an amazing snuggle bug as my baby.
If I didnt have him I would probably be divorced already and still have a protective order against my husband and not need to worry about ever seeing my husband ever again. But for some weird reason he makes it all worth it. I need to confess that I dont really like kids. I mean, I love to smile and wave at them in church, and make faces and play with them. And babies are the most snuggly adorable creatures on the planet. But I dont really like to be around kids all day long because my brain just cannot handle the stress of trying to take care of another human being for that long. And I was kind of worried about it when I was first pregnant...but now that I know how much I love my sweet angel baby, I could definitely have about a billion more and be totally happy because of how full my heart is with my son. Everything in the world can go wrong and I can have all of the stress, and all of the trials, and all of the pain on the planet, but as long as I get to spend time with my son, I know that my life is good and that my heart can be at peace because of how much I love that little boy. And that sounds crazy....but it's true. Wonderfully true....
So for Halloween we were going to just go to the playgroup activity that my ward put on which would have been a lot of fun. But on Monday evening my husband refused to give Jackson back to me and illegally kept him from me for another night. I spent the whole night crying and so drained that when I wasnt crying I was just staring into thin air and feeling so numb I could barely breath. I love my sweet boy so much and I was a wreck without him. Everything I do, I do for him.
It would have been nice to have something to do that was for Halloween without having to worry about Jackson being too cold or not getting enough sleep at night. I realize that now that I'm a single mom all of my activities that I participate in have to follow a certain code of what wont interfere with Jackson's schedule or comfort level. If I cant make sure that everything with be perfect for Jax during the activity, then I either have grandma and grandpa babysit so that I can have a well deserved night out, or I dont participate. I have to be careful though because a lot of the time I decide to just not participate, especially after this past weekend where my husband kept him from me, and then I get stuck in a rut of not taking care of myself which isnt good for anyone. So the occasional night without Jackson, even though I beat myself up about not being with him EVERY TIME, is still important. And I force myself to do it and have a good time, so that he can benefit from a recharged and relaxed mom. Instead of a mom who has been driven crazy by the amount of diapers and stress and slobber she is drowning in.

Divorce

This process is really difficult. I am constantly stressed and worried for Jackson's and my safety. I never fully relax because every time I feel close to truly relaxing and forgetting about the nightmare that is my life right now, someone brings up my situation, or talks about my husband, or I have to take another step with my lawyer toward divorce and I'm instantly back to a stressed mess. My castle in Heaven better be huge for all of the trouble I'm enduring.
I've prayed over and over again telling Heavenly Father that I am turning all of my stress and worry to him because I am not strong enough to carry this weight around on me all of the time. I love being happy. I love to laugh and have fun and be silly all of the time. I cant function to be best of my ability when I'm sad or stressed. And that's how I've been nonstop ever since leaving my husband. Some may read that and think, "well, if you are so sad away from your husband, then why did you leave him?" But I have been blessed to not miss him even for a second. The things that I miss are my own space. I miss living close to school so I dont have to drive as much every morning. I miss being able to watch tv snuggled up to a man. I miss what marriage is supposed to be like. I miss the hope that I had that my marriage could be as good as my parent's marriage if I would just work harder at it, or hold on for just a little bit longer. I do not miss worrying if my husband would pick tonight to start a fight. I do not miss wondering if Jackson would be safe all day with him while I was at school. My stress and my worry comes from divorcing my husband, but never being able to really get him out of my life. I pray every day that when this divorce is finalized and it's been a few months of having parenting time, that Joal will just give up and become bored with being a good father and just move away and pretend that he has never been married.
I dont know when this is going to happen, but I have a feeling it is going to happen eventually because when we were married he basically checked out of being a father after the first few weeks of having Jackson home. His attitude on everything in our marriage was that he was excited and committed for the first few  days or weeks or months and then it would fade and he just stopped. Because this is a permanent ending to our marriage and his whole way of life, I think that his enthusiasm and fake fatherly love will last as long as he can take it, but that it will end and he'll see our divorce as a way to fully wash his hands of the child he didnt even want, and the wife who wouldnt obey him.
Most of the time, I look forward to when this happens so that I'll be able to relax again and just keep Jackson safe without stress and worry. But then I think about how Jackson will grow up not knowing who his biological father is and he will wonder and have moments of confusion about why he doesnt have a family like everyone else.
My sister asked me if I was ever going to get married again. I have thought and prayed about this so much since leaving my husband. Every time I think about dating again, I worry. I worry about knowing if he is going to turn out like my ex husband. I worry about dating and having a kid. I worry about making sure every member of my family can put him through the ringer trying to make sure he is never going to hurt me. I worry about when will be the right time. I worry about whether or not I'll ever really be ready. Right now, I'm ready to flirt and have fun, but I'm not even officially divorced yet. Right now, when I think about having a serious relationship with someone I want to run and hide. But maybe my feelings will change once I'm actually divorced and dont have to deal with my husband every few days. But then I worry about how I'm going to meet the right person. Do I go to the single's ward of my church again? Do I go to activities for single adults in my church? Do I just live my life as a single mother and let Heavenly Father figure out how to put someone in my life? There are so many questions and worries and stresses that I have and I just want them all answered right now so that I can move on and live life just knowing when things are going to happen so I dont have to worry about them until the actual time comes around. But since we all know that's not how Heavenly Father works, I guess I'll have to cool my jets.
A lot of people have asked me if it's wise to put all of my crazy, sad, scary life on my blog. I dont mean to call any of you out, because I really do appreciate that you are looking out for me. And you all are probably right that I should have waited until my divorce was actually final. But I guess I just didnt want to remain silent about my experiences. I didnt want my abuse to stay a dark secret of my past. My experiences are a part of me and someday, when I try to have a healthy relationship with someone, I dont want my nightmare of a past to be a secret that needs to be shared last minute. I want my past to be open and no longer a scary thing, just a thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I dont want to give my abuse any more power over me or my life. Like I said before, I love being happy and laughing and being silly all of the time. I dont want to live with a shadow over my head forever.

Summer 2014

When I first met my husband, I thought the heavens opened and the birds sang just to see him happy. He was smooth and charming and he told me everything I wanted to hear about love. Our relationship has been the biggest journey of my life aside from becoming a mother, and if you will just bare with me, I need to say my piece about it.
We met at a church pool party for young single adults. We were interested in each other, but I thought he was dating someone else at the time, so I tried not to pay him any attention. Eventually, he asked me to join him for one of his weekly "guys night out" at Buffalo Wild Wings. I said yes and that is when our relationship started. He swept me off my feet and I wanted to be loved. But looking back I wasnt ready...I'm still not.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
So we dated for about two months until we got into our first major argument. I remember getting mad at him for something and childishly storming out into the parking lot of his apartment and sitting down, refusing to get up and go back inside. He came out and yelled at me to stop being so immature, that I was being childish and that I needed to come inside and stop making such a big scene. I knew he was right. I was being childish, I can readily admit to that. But something, call it my stubborn teenager mind, made me refuse. After pulling at me and trying to drag me by force back into the building, he realized that wasnt going to work. So he knelt down quietly in front of me and told me that I needed to knock it off and come inside. He said he loved me but I was being immature at the moment and he didnt know what else to do. I eventually calmed down and went inside. When he asked me later why I had acted so crazy, I told him that I have moments of depression and anxiety attacks. That's all this was, he doesnt have to worry, I just might not act rationally some times. I dont know if that was a lie or not. My first "anxiety attack" was my senior year of high school during a play. But I'm not even sure if that was a real problem, or just a silly girl getting attention for throwing a fit.
Anyway, we continued dating and got engaged. I thought everything was roses and the world could not have gotten any better. Then one day in spring, only a few months after we had gotten engaged, we had another argument. This one was bigger and I was so mad at him I took off my engagement ring and stormed out of his apartment. He followed me down the street yelling at me to come back. I ran as fast as I could to get away from him, and he chased me until I couldnt run any more. I turned into the wooded trails down the road from his apartment and he followed me into them. The whole time yelling my name. Under the cover of the trees he grabbed my arm trying to get me to stop walking. Luckily a family was hiking from the other direction and saw us before anything else happened. I pulled out of his grasp and started walking again. When we got to the park at the other end of the trails I had tired out and was ready to be done with the whole situation. If I had decided that the best way to "be done with the whole situation" was to leave him, I wouldnt have the life that I have today. But instead he told me I was being immature again and that he loved me but needed me to stop acting like a child. And I believed him. And I went back to his apartment with him.
Then we got married. I was so excited and happy the hour ride with my parents to the temple and then as soon as I saw the temple I thought I was going to throw up. Then we forgot our marriage license back at a friend's house and had to wait. At the temple the workers told us that if something doesnt go wrong it isnt really meant to be. I believed them.
A week after we got back from our honeymoon, we got into our first argument as a married couple. He "ended" the argument and left the room. I was still fuming and didnt feel like he had even listened to me. I charged down the stairs to our bedroom and started yelling at him again. He grabbed me and I fought against him. I had pulled one arm away from him and was going toward the bathroom to close the door between us. I got the door partially closed when he pushed the door open and it slammed into the wall, almost leaving a whole. He threw me against the wall and told me to never close him out of a room ever again. I huddled in the corner of the bed and when he sat down to talk to me in a calm voice, and shrank away from him. The next thing I remember is laying on the bed with him over me asking me if I was okay and to please wake up. I had blacked out and I dont remember if anything else happened. But when I woke up I did remember how he had thrown me against the wall. I was so afraid of making him angry by bringing it up that I pretended to only remember coming down the stairs to argue with him. I asked if I had tripped down the stairs and all he said was that I remembered what happened. When I repeated that I didnt know what had happened, he just said okay. We still havent spoken about it, and that was over two years ago.
Throughout our marriage we would get into arguments, as all married people do, and sometimes he would react gently to me, and other times he would grab me by the shoulders and shake me, push me into corners, walls, closets. I understood that part of the problem was me. I would nag him. Over and over I would complain about one of his habits or relaxation activities. I complained and cried over having to share my house with his brother. I was not a perfect, submissive, obedient wife. And sometimes when he would grab me I would fight back. I left scratches on him because I was trying to get away, and he never even left a bruise. The one time I got a fat lip from him it was a 100% accident and I could never dream of lying about it in order to make him look worse.
At this point I need to explain that the next portion of my story is graphic and if you dont want to read it, please skip ahead.
As a little bit of an explanation, when I got pregnant, he was not excited. He blamed me and even went so far as to say, "how dare you do this to me." Now, being pregnant is hard. And having an intimate relationship with my husband hurt. I still tried to make it work, but after the first trimester, I just didnt want to hurt anymore than being pregnant was already making me hurt. So I started telling him no when he asked me if I wanted to do anything intimate that night. But he didnt listen to me. I would cry and tell him how much it was hurting me and he would tell me to just keep going. That it would get better if I would just relax. I would push against him and try to turn away from him, but he is stronger and larger than me, and my protests didnt do anything. So eventually I just started to lay there until he was done. Then I would get up, clean myself off, and go back do doing whatever I had been doing that was interrupted by him. He barely even noticed my lack of enthusiasm and when he did, it wasnt because he realized that he was raping me. It was because I wasnt doing it enough. I wasnt excited enough. There was something wrong with me. I needed to try harder to love him. And love him more often. That would fix everything from his point of view.
After giving birth there is the customary 6 week wait to do anything intimate and I begged him to let me wait. I had just been torn in two by a baby's head and I didnt want anything in there for a long time. But he ignored me and did it anyway. This has continued up until May 2014 when I decided to try harder and when I decided that no matter how much it hurt, I wanted to try to make it work for my husband. There were still times when he continued without my consent, but at least it wasnt every time anymore.
Okay, if you skipped that part, I'll try to not be graphic from here on out.
On June 28th, I left my husband. We were eating mangoes and I was taking more and more from the fork he was offering me and Jackson. He got upset and yelled at me to back off he followed me across the room and cornered me. Yelling at me that people dont like to be cornered. Didnt he know I knew that from personal experience? Because I had access to my dad's car, I took the urge I had often felt, and started packing up to leave. He told me I needed to stay and work things out with him but I told him I was just going to go back to my parents house to finish house sitting for them and that I would see him again the next day at church. I made it all the way to the car, had Jackson in his car seat and myself in the drivers seat when he came charging out of the apartment building. I quickly put the car into reverse and tried to get away. He stood in front of the car and told me to put the car back into the @#$% parking space. I begged him to let me go. I had all of the doors locked and was terrified he would hurt us. He punched the driver's side window because I wasnt obeying him and I punched the gas. I called my dad and explained what had happened and he told me to head to the house and mom to call me. My husband called my phone and I answered. I wanted him to know that I was going to come back, I just needed time to calm down and relax. He told me I needed to turn around immediately or there would be serious consequences. When I asked him what those consequences were, he told me he would come out to my parent's house, take Jackson away from me and divorce me. I was terrified. I hung up on him as soon as my mom called me and eventually I found out I could go to my sister's house for protection. From there, I ignored every phone call and every text. My brother-in-law, who is a lawyer, suggested that I could get a protective order if I wanted one. We went that route and then a few weeks later, the judge dismissed it. Since then, I have started the divorce process and we are scheduled for mediation soon.
This journey in my life has a purpose, and is all taking me to where Heavenly Father wants me to be. But I never want to be in a position of fear ever again. I will come out of this stronger than I've been, and I will grow into a more mature and loving person. I dont want to be beaten down into a shell of a person. I am getting out of my marriage after only two years. Some people will see that as giving up. But I will always see it as one of the hardest, but most beneficial decisions of my life. Take it or leave it, this is my life.